Posted in 2017, Adventure, Bravery, Choices, Courage, Dreams, Experiences, Feelings, Future, Life, Love, She Said, Strength, Travel, Truth, Uncategorized, Walls, Work

Kim’s Journal: The Big Move

Some days you just have to create color

“I’ve made impulsive and cautious decisions over the course of my life. With impulse, I’ve lost and made friends, money, opportunities and even myself. With caution, there’s still not much of a difference since I’ve also lost relationships, money, opportunities and even myself. But on the bright side, I’ve gained a will to carry on, a time to rethink my steps and gain wisdom (I hope so!).”

After graduation I was offered opportunities and I, being honest here, rejected and did not take them. It wasn’t entitlement, it was finding a sense of happiness and purpose, I guess. The reason? Well, I felt empty and quite nowhere. A few months before graduation, I felt that the topmost priority for me was a job! People kept asking where I will work or where I want to work. I answered them just to simply keep them from probing more questions that I didn’t want to answer, because the truthful answer that they wouldn’t have wanted to hear was, “I don’t know.”

I honestly don’t know. I’ve checked out opportunities and felt that it could work and suddenly when it came, I was the first one out of the door. I went into interviews but withdrew my application after the interviews because I felt that it wasn’t right. I entered engagements, but chickened out a few days before it started because my gut felt so burdened. I was not in-between, nor was I myself. It was the first time that I encountered the other side of myself. It didn’t scare me, but it amused me for a moment. I came to realize that’s just me being human.

Over the years, I’ve had decisions that was inorganic due to pressure and to not wanting to have bad blood over the people in my life over the choices that I made. I’ve had engagements that I could not back out. I told myself, this time, it’s going to be different. Fast forward to months after dilly-dallying everything, I (think I) finally settled at the moment.

Moving from a big city to a bigger city and letting go of the comforts of what my home used to offer me was exciting and kind of sad (I learned some basic life skills like how to do laundry!!!). That was what my adventurous self felt. Yet, a few days of boarding into a new adventure, my cautious self wanted out. It wanted to crawl back to the rock that I have been living in over the course of two months. But a bigger part of me wanted in. Talk about irony! It wanted to try — to try to do something I’ve never done for myself (i.e. make bigger decisions in life). It wanted to fully make an organic choice. Without pressure, without negative factors. And it was liberating.

The main thing that I’ve learned from this big move is that things will come at the right time. Though people will have it differently, case in point: the demarcation line of the different levels of privilege. My feeble heart still believes that we can break that line even if chances are so slim. Those set-backs are part of something bigger. Though it won’t come easily and the process of going there may seem to suck everything out of that spirit within us, don’t give up (just curse or release that via yoga or some stress balls).

Getting to where you want to go is in itself what we do in life. Believe me, I never planned for this. I have a book which I’d like to call a goal book, where I’ve written my planned dreams (including but not limited to getting a job at X company), and a lot of other things. But this one came in my most unplanned moment and in my most impulsive moment.

Remember though that this is not a race. I know we’ve been exposed to the internet, of people and the lives that they live. A little part of me envies it sometimes, but this is one thing that I believe: that deep inside everyone has different lives, different shoes to fill, different problems to face. No matter how happy it may seem, we all have some fucked up moments too. If I wished my life was different, I would not have met beautiful people along the way; the people who helped me paint life beautifully.

I’d stop here. But whoever you are, whatever you are doing and wherever you may be, I wish you’d never lose hope (it’s free!) and courage to keep moving forward (by that I mean, study smartly, discipline yourself if you want to lose weight, and things that you know better vs me). You’d eventually find your place in the bigger scheme of things. And if you haven’t, and you’re stuck at doing what you least like, you may need that experience and wisdom (and money) to move yourself through what you really desire. I wish I could say believe me, that would be so hypocritical of me then, but we need to start somewhere right? And if the chapters that we’re having now in our books will lead us closer to whatever we want in the next 10 chapters or so, then we might as well try.




P.S. This is to our past self who belittled ourselves. The present is laughing right now because the universe truly conspires for things to happen. Some beautiful things do come in the most unplanned and unexpected moments. And some arrive because we planned them beautifully and passionately. Trust in that timing and if it fails, then that’s a bonus round to keep on trying.


Posted in 2017, Choices, Dedication, Experiences, Feelings, Future, Life, Love, pain, Quotes, Relationships, She Said, Strength, Truth, Walls

Abundance of Noes

A meaningful no is better than an empty yes

At that time when you said no,

I’ve weaved reasons as to what it means

Does it mean yes but perhaps later?

When we’re slightly older,

When we can pay our own meals,

When we can pay our own bills,


That signifies an additional year or two or even ten,

When we are established,

Ready to settle,

Ready to say this is the time,

Does it mean yes but perhaps in another lifetime?

When we can’t risk bonds and ropes woven in our lives

When we can’t sever ties of friendships, of relationships beyond ours

Does it mean yes but perhaps not in this world?

Where it’s just the two us

No judgments

No prejudices

No lies

No boundaries

No prying eyes

Just us

Does it mean yes?

With hope in my heart

That someday we could be

We could find ourselves in the sand

Lying till our backs hurt

Lying till we are tanned

Spilling our dreams, our hopes and our fears

Spilling everything that we’re not

Spilling everything that we wish we are

No holding back

Just pure surrender?

I’ve come to learn from the books that I’ve read and the articles that I’ve found

That made my reasoning more okay

More bearable

More kind

Stubborn as my heart

That maybe no means almost

We could almost danced.

We could almost held hands.

We could almost kissed.

We could almost had it.

We could almost had our moment.

We could almost be.
But my stubbornness has its limits

And when the clues of the universe made sense

It make a lot of sense



But I’ve been made and shaped by the universe long ago

In much worst conditions

I guess it didn’t hurt that much now though

I guess it just


I just made up reason of your no

Your no does not mean yes

Your no does not mean almost

Your no does not mean possibilities

Your no does not mean ever after

Your no means no

And I asked and begged for the universe to turn it around

For it to sound yes

But the universe whispered,

“Oh darling, when the time comes, when he comes, when the one is really for you, you won’t be begging for me, he will stay, his yes will be yes.”

But the stubborn master,

Behind the bleeding walls of the body

Who pumps and deliver

Could not wonder but ask

“What if he’s the one and he says no?”

The universe laughed

“His no will be different amongst others.”

But the stubborn master asked again

“How do you know?”

“You don’t. You just feel. And it feels right.”
An abundance of your no that’s what it means to get one meaningful yes

And I’d stop asking the universe for signs

I’d stop praying for things to turn around

I’d stop making idealistic stories of us

An meaningful yes’ will come

And that time it won’t be you

It will be my yes

We’ll meet and we’d talk about how funny it was that

We’d both pray for things to be fine


We’d both thank the universe that we’re both ours

That I am his

That he’s mine

Till then, have fun my yes

Continue to learn, laugh and love

Till we meet

Until we meet

I’d continue to bend my knees and wish you well on your journey

That you’d come

Ready to learn, laugh and love with me.

Without reservations

Without hesitations

Without restrictions

Without reasons

Where finally, yes means yes, no means no, and maybe, just maybe means in-between-of

I could, I would.




In dedication to everyone’s no’s and almost’s. May you find your yes, not your no’s, not your almost’s. Continue to love and get stung until it feels right. Don’t settle for someone who’d play you around and does not take you seriously, you are worth more than games and dares. I hope you understand that this ain’t some race, you are worth more than that and someone will take you seriously. So don’t fret, just continue to breathe and don’t forget to live. 

Posted in 2017, Dedication, Experiences, Feelings, Love, pain, Poem, Sadness, She Said, Truth, Walls

My In-Between

To my in-between,

You came in the least moment that I expected.

I was young,

I was made of high walls,

And confused moments,

I was in love with him.

You came and the first time I laid my eyes on you,

I noticed,

I noticed the wrinkles in your eyes when you smile,

I noticed your little freckles when you talk,

I noticed every little changes in you,

And I loved them,

I loved how your smile lights up everything in my life,

Without you noticing it.

I loved how you talk, your opinions matter as what you say,

I loved the changes in you,

It reminded me that you are human,

I wished I could tell you how I feel.

I wished I could tell you how I seem to wonder if we could be,

I wished I could tell you thank you,

Thank you for the friendship,

It was something that I would treasure.

Thank you for the kindness,

It was something that will forever etched in my heart.

Thank you for the moments,

The little war that somehow made my day without you knowing it.

But thank you, for allowing me to love you secretly.

Behind the curtains,

Behind the corals of the deep blue sea,

The waves seems to keep on punishing me at this moment,

The air grows impatient by tangling my hair,

Nature seems to have conspired for me,

They sent me messages,

Whispers of letting myself gather courage,

To tell how I feel,

And I do,

I do,

And I am,

Falling in love with you,

Long before things happened.

Long before you knew.

Long before they knew.

I am falling in love with you,

But now, now I feel that it’s high time

To let these feelings go,

To let my heart breathe once again,

To let myself see reason,

That you and me,

It’s a pair, it’s a conspiracy,

That the universe won’t even approve

Yet in the distanct sky,

I wished the universe is wrong.




“Here’s to choices and letting the universe do its thing.”


Posted in 2017, Adventure, Bravery, Courage, Dreams, Experiences, Feelings, Graduating, Leadership, Life, Love, She Said, Strength, Truth, Uncategorized

Kim’s Journal: Graduation Pt. 1

Most people wonder how I did it.

How I managed to “balance” my academic life and my extra-curricular life.

I didn’t.

I never knew how to balance it.

I never figured out the secret formula on the balancing act.

Some days, my academics matter the most (that’s when you know I’m on the brink of getting a bad grade and you can’t see me because I’d be pulling an all-nighter and getting myself serious coffee -I usually don’t drink coffee because it will just upset my stomach). Most days, my extra-curricular activities are calling my name (that’s when I can’t even comb my hair and put on my intimidating-million-worries-face).

I don’t know the secret to balancing both life since I’ve got only one life in this game.

I’m still in awe on how I manage to snug both in one setting with me in one piece!

What I do know though, is this.

It will always begin and will always end in the spectrum of love (and priorities of course!). You don’t learn it overnight nor just a year, it’s a continuity of some sorts. The first year will be about adjusting, the next year it will go smoothly (okay maybe less) because you’ve learned the ropes.

I started being involved academically ever since I uttered “school”. Bravely defying all odds to crash the class by being late and grabbing the chalk from my teacher. Talk about being two and without manners! This probably is one of my mother’s vivid memory when I entered pre-school. Trust me, my pre-school days as what I can remember is so the spoiled me.

Moving up to grade school didn’t even tamed down the spoiled me. Though I studied, it was mainly because at the end I know I’d get my reward. I cannot remember what reward that was, but I know that if I do my best it will be waiting at the end of the finish line. They say that the highlight of my academic achievements happened during grade-school. True, but it wasn’t entirely the test of my capacity till high school came.

Dear high school, the time where I realized I’m not made to be just in class and answer questions and solve solutions. This was the first time that I laid my eyes on leadership and that was indeed love at first sight. I’ve seen girls wearing green and marching their hearts out at the amphitheater and I told myself I wanted to be like them. I didn’t get the opportunity to do that during my first year though. I ended up entering my application come second year and to tell you the truth I honestly did not expect that the training to become a girl scout in San Jose would be so hard (our training is patterned after the Boy Scouts because of the teachings of late Sir Damazo). My two weeks was hell. It drained my physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. My “proud” self, the self that feels “too important” finally realized how small I am, how I don’t know everything. We do it differently in scouting, it’s more than what they say as harsh, it was more on tough love. And that’s the reason why even at times, I try to tone it down, the main influence of my leadership journey will always go back to scouting. I learned that it doesn’t make sense to lead without doing it, to scold without actually complying, to react when you don’t even try. It didn’t stop there though. It became a landslide of extra-curricular activities, from handling the Publications, to leading the Recollect Augustinian Youth (voc jams are the bomb!), to getting whirled in the life of debate and other extra-curricular activities in school. Dubbed by most people as “stressed-girl” during high school, I just laughed it off because I wasn’t stressed, I just learned how love feels like. Don’t get me wrong, even if I handled a lot of organizations, my academics is not entirely polished! I remember crying in class because I can’t balance the sheets in accounting, I remember crying because for four consecutive times, I failed in my physics exam because I could not get the answer even if the formula is given. I was that student, too. I slept late because thesis happened and slept late preparing for org events. I cried a lot when I get stressed. I usually joked around and say that crying is good for my eyes because it’s cleansing. But eventually, my academics went and moved according to the flow and my organizations followed suit.

What I can say is that truly, I’m not just made to just sit in class. I’ve learned the very essential values in extra-curricular activities. I’ve been shout at by my mentors with lines that goes, “Apolinar, don’t give me problems. Give me solutions to your problems!” Or “Apolinar, everyone is dispensable. Just because you are the best doesn’t mean you can’t get replaced. So practice!” And my favorite line, “Humility, always.”

Looking back, I guess that’s how I got tough. Looking back, I couldn’t be anymore proud to my mentors and leaders way back. I owe to it to Tita Grace, , to Mommy Quat, to Miss Seville, to Ma’am Tomaroy, Kuya Melvin and among many others. Looking back, I owe my experience to them to who I am now, what I am now and where I am now.
I told myself that it would be pure stupidity to enter in org activities during college. Indeed, I was the funny one because during the first week of college, I remembered crying (okay guys, himi jud kaayo ko) because I don’t have anything to do and it was driving me insane! The best decision was to join orgs and it was truly the best decision.

I’d always have my Debate, JJD and SSC to thank for throughout my college life. For continuously molding me and challenging me to try to find ways to handle organizations. Trust me, it wasn’t easy! I was trained differently and I got slightly confused on how to adjust. On some cases, that wasn’t the case. I’m still the strict person who’d always nag about deadlines, cleanliness, being on time, and whatever I find at that moment. Debate though was another story! It was more of like finding a reason to stay, and I couldn’t be anymore prouder because in staying, I’ve learned the value of what it means to be in love. So as the council, I promised to never get involved when I will reach my fourth year in Uni because I would dedicate my last year studying and spending it with the friends and answering invitations of conferences in the country and even abroad. But it didn’t happen that way though. But I never regretted it because if I didn’t entered the council, I would never know the people who would become my earphones and shock absorbers. I’d always be thankful to the council for letting me learn and open up the soft side of myself (secretly haha).

I’ve maybe witnessed my growth. Maybe people who have been with me witnessed my growth. Whichever way.

I still remember doing my org list if I get bored at class and doing my acad list if I know that I might fail the subject.

I’ve had this idea that I’d only bring my homeworks to the house and leave org matters at school. Guess what? I’m not bringing both because the house is for sleeping and binge-watching series!

College was entirely different in terms of academics. The competition scene is there but it was mostly on how I manage to endure not sleeping early and making written works. Trust me, I feel like half of my college days was spent sleeping because I can’t think clearly when it comes to my academics. But the feeling to get a low grade because I didn’t study made me challenge myself more because I have this idea that if I studied, I would have gotten a better grade plus a different set of reward was waiting so I had to make an effort.

I guess it’s a matter of priorities and goal setting. I guess it’s always that. I still put my acads on top of my to-do-list and label my organizations according to importance. And though I skipped class because of my orgs, trust me, I cried on that, too! It will always be a burden for me to catch up, but I love the thrill and the excitement of both and I guess that I might suck at building my own studying habit (which I do recommend to have one!), I managed to suck it up and work my way.

The road wasn’t easy. This is where my family and friends comes in and I couldn’t be anymore than happier. I will never forget their nagging and pressures to live up being responsible! Indeed, it surely pays off.

I guess this is for the days that I didn’t go home, this is for the Sunday’s and the week that I’m away to some place debating, or fixing an event. This is for the idea that I’ve become a boarder in my parent’s house. This is for the days that I want to give up and quit. This is for the days that I recited the Desiderata for guidance and the Don’t Quit Poem for motivation. This is for the days that I said, “go on, Kimmy, try again. And this time try super hard! You are superwoman anyway. So suck it up and don’t cry ma ruin imong eyeliner.” This is for the days that I asked fro help from the people around me. This is for everyone who has been my inspiration.

So congrats, self! For slightly breaking the idea that just because your life revolves on your extra-curricular activities, you can’t excel academically.

With that, it’s your turn to defy some traditional lines and be a modern superhero 😉



Posted in 2016, Adventure, Dreams, Experiences, Feelings, Life, She Said, Truth

Kim’s Journal: 2016

I’ll say it, 2016 is the year that made me wanna pick a fight! From intern applications to thesis defense, plus working my way to battle procrastination on the onset, to online trolls and fake colleagues (which by the way I learned better not to engage these kind of people). It is full of surprises and shenanigans as the days become weeks and eventually months that continuously trying to unfold limitless possibilities that made me cry and laugh at the same time. 2016 was the year where I pretty much had plenty of losses and earned genuine gains at the end of day. It is truly a roller-coaster ride and I wouldn’t have it in any other way. Here are my 2016 takeaways, and maybe I’d inspire you to take it to the next level this 2017!

1. Build GENUINE networks

There, I said it! It’s not just enough to build a network, but building a network that’s genuine enough for you to share your passions and cravings to make the world a little bit better. I’ve pretty much learned to be “reasonably disturbed” thanks to my Ayala Young Leaders family. They taught me that it is not impossible to throw my starfish (I’m still on that process though 😁). At the same time, to re-evaluate myself if I’m still at the “right bus” thanks to my Aboitiz family. You see, building genuine networks of people who may have different walks and passions will open your life to limitless knowledge and experience. So don’t sulk at the corner, open up websites that sparks your interest. Engage with people who’d have the same passion as you. Talk and talk, but talk genuinely!

2. Take a LEAP of faith

Cliche as it may seem to be, take a leap of faith. In that leap of faith, you never really know what’s in store for you at the end of the road, or whether it will be fine on the other end. I made my leap of faith by traveling alone this year and saying yes to becoming the standard bearer of our political party and eventually the President of the Student Council in school. It’s really up to you because people around you may be entitled to their own opinion, but who cares? Take that leap of faith this 2017! Ever wanting to travel alone? Or going for that dream job that you really want? Or telling someone you like that you like them, well duh! Go, make that leap!

3. Dream BIG

Dreaming big means being afraid of that dream. It scares you, it makes you move out of your comfort zone, it makes you want to take risks, it makes you see yourself doing things you did not think you can do. It’s now time to assess what you really want, time to open skeletons in your closet for those dreams that were stored for too long. It’s never too late to go after your dreams. Dream big, besides, it’s free!

4. Put your feelings at the right moment

It’s okay to be happy when you’re all out and being fun and all. Yet, it’s not okay to be too happy when you’re attending someone’s funeral! Get it? Put your feelings at where it should be. If you feel that getting too close may dim your judgment at work, then don’t get too close. If you feel that you don’t need to give advice but just sympathize by being around your friend, then do it. There’s a right place and a right time for those feelings!

5. Okay, walls and bridges!

This seems generic. But everyone has their own share of walls and bridges. Walls to cover up and become barriers when it comes to being hurt and bridges to connect or burn at the same time. Well, make use of that! It cannot partly hurt if you lower your guard down for a bit when it comes to relationships, nor it’s not bad to burn bridges of toxic friendships and workmates. It’s part of daily life! Make sure you keep those who are worth keeping, and distance yourself from those who make clear water into a muddy milkshake (okay wrong metaphors 😂) but you get me.

People come, people go. I learned that the hard way this year. But as my ever delightful friends will say, “It’s part of growing up.” I’ve listed five, I’m pretty sure I have more than five, and you can think of more, too. Don’t be afraid to start 2017 right, well if it doesn’t go right, we can always go left. Okay, I’m kidding! Just remember that it didn’t go right the first time around for Thomas Edison.

It’s 6:00pm and we’ve got 6 hours more before 2017 will commence, and funnily I’m in-charge of setting up the table this NYE. I gotta end this. Thank you for reading my impulsive-no-consistency-posts this 2016. Cheers to more adventures!



Posted in Comfort, Experiences, Feelings, Sadness, She Said, Truth, Walls

Early Stages

She found herself reaching out for the nearest sharp object in the room. Its color speaks of a cheetah’s spots in wilderness, wild and calm, ironic but beautiful. Its blade when raised to the sky brings light that could make sensitive eyes blink twice.

She found herself using the sharp object that she found, she used it for its purpose. At first it was to make some writing material straight, at times it was to make some writing material in different shapes as she figured out which one’s better.

She found herself enjoying the little joy it has brought to the world until she tried harming herself because she thought that if her inside bleeds so much, then how come make it fair for her outside? If it bleeds so much, then its high time to let it all out.

She found gripping the beautiful sharp object tight. Tight enough that she noticed the pain. Ah, the pain. The pain that could not even compare with the pain that she’s feeling inside. It was not bliss, it was not anywhere near happiness. But as the pain turned into liquid, she now knew it never mattered to anyone, anyway. That she doesn’t matter anyway.

She had long accepted that pain is also like a double-edged sword. Even if you swear it wouldn’t get to you, it eventually will. It will come and will rob you of your senses and you are eventually left with pools of blood — the pools that left you a satisfaction far better than the first one.



Posted in Adventure, Comfort, Courage, Experiences, Feelings, He Said, Intimacy, Life, Love, Poem, Quotes, She Said, Strength, Truth, Walls

Stills and Learning

Persona of notices of moments that were long gone
Persona of everything doesn’t go according to my will
Persona of a delusional future and a dysfunctional present

You’ll eventually learn that promises are notices of moments that you long to have and sometimes they’re notices of the deadlines of what could happen. You’ll eventually learn that words are just words unless you put meaning and life unto it. Until you place it in your heart and hold on to it for the rest of your life. You’ll eventually learn that expectations are part of human life and eventually they’ll rip your hearts into pieces that could morphed into the feeling of betrayal but eventually you’ll learn to laugh at yourself for believing that you’re always the first option, when in fact options are not constant in this world. Eventually you’ll learn your place in his life as mere spectator or a passing friend and you’d cope up with the loss and the pain and everything messy in between. You’ll eventually learn to distance yourself as time keeps on speeding by because velocity is something you cannot obtain easily. You’ll eventually stop writing stories in your head, stories of confessions and break-ups because you eventually learn that weaving stories in your brain is making you delusional of the future and dysfunctional of the present. Eventually you’ll learn that everything does not go according to your will and the world even if they conspire for you will eventually stab you sometimes, but you’ll eventually learn that it’s how they inculcate lessons and miracles. Eventually you’ll learn that what you learned is not enough and you have the world as your library to explore. And even if you have to do it on your own sometimes, eventually you’ll learn that being able to lean on yourself for comfort is not selfish but it’s how you learn to be sane for some time. Eventually you’ll get tired and wished that even if you’re some smart, classy, strong and independent woman there will come a time when you just want to curl on the sofa and wished that he will stroke your hair for comfort, that you will not be alone. Eventually I’m good at making up romantic scenarios but eventually I learned it will keep on letting me hope and hope comes with hurt all the time.


Even if I learned those things, I will still continue on learning about you and I will never stop loving you from a distance.



Posted in Adventure, Bravery, Courage, Experiences, Feelings, Leadership, Life, She Said, Strength, Truth, Walls

Leadership Takeaway: Courage

Me: This is crazy. Okay, self, you’ve been through a lot, this is just a piece of cake. Here goes nothing (and then I began walking plus the poles were shaky!)

I am a believer of all things possible. That’s what I told myself when things go wrong or when things are not moving at all. I am a believer, that for you to take on challenges you must have this drive, this will, this thing-that-you-cannot-explain out there for yourself to own.

Last January, I attended my political party’s convention due to my dear friend who told me to just try. Instinct told me that if I ever stepped foot on that place, I might be forced (encouraged was the term they use) to run for our student government in the University. Trust me, I didn’t want anything to do with the student government (mainly because I didn’t have any affinity to it). I just had a bad feeling about it, it’s something that I couldn’t explain that time, well heck, even, but I can describe the feeling back then as something weird and superbly wrong. But as an informed person, I made a choice and went there anyway to just to see what will happen. I knew deep down I’m not fit to hold higher responsibilities mainly because I don’t have any background about governing the student body and at the same time (as most leaders would say) I would like to take a rest and enjoy my last year as a student while at the same time focus on my academics. Something happened that day, I got voted to represent my party aka I’m running for office and the worst part was I’m running for presidency (it was really what I said: superbly wrong!). Mind you, it was my dream when I was still in high school to run for president in the student council, but many things happened along the way (hello, disappointments and heartbreaks) that when the opportunity landed on my doorstep, I freaked out and left after (literally left after!).

Many questions were running in my mind that time. As I went home, I slept on those questions hoping it would leave me, but it didn’t. I went to school the next day and as I looked at the students, I just chanted! (like I’m a crazy person talking to herself) Will I be able to serve them? Will I? Will I be able to do something when even I am not sure if I like it. Will I be able to do it even if I have this wrong feeling?

It’s been 8 months you see, and if you’d ask me where the questions took me, it took me here (at the council) and serving the entire student body. There are still many questions running in my head and many doubts that I encountered along the way. Almost all of the doubts and fears, I learned the basic values of leadership that I may have taken for granted by forgetting or just hiding it along the way.

Yet today, as I write this. I look at the coming days. I will soon deliver my State of the Council Address, and I begin to wonder what could have become of me if I didn’t take on the challenge? You see it wasn’t easy! I was not the friendly person much more I do not like people touching me because it makes me uncomfortable, nor do I like making my persona soft (as if I changed it, I became myself anyway when I campaigned) because that’s just not me when it comes to leadership. Plus I’m the aggressive-strong type which I gather that I don’t have any charisma at my possession. But right now, as raindrops fall on the window at my room I begin to reminisce the fear and the wrong feelings that I encountered months ago. What have become of me if I didn’t take the courage to say yes fully? I gave my half-hearted yes even until elections. I wished some miracle would happen to not let it be me and that’s the truth, but the deeper truth was that I’m afraid. I’m afraid that I’d fail the people who trusted me to do something. I’m afraid to have failed them and I don’t want to do that because I know the feeling because along the way, as I got on with my life people failed me as well and it was one of the saddest feeling that I felt and as much as possible I want to try avoiding that on my everyday encounters (you know failing people that I care about, failing people that I promised to take care of). Yet, it gives me this deeper reflection of myself, of my perfectionist side. I forgot that if I wouldn’t fail (since every first time is worth a try) how would I even learn?

Did I fail? A hundred times! But why did I still have to go back up again? Aside from it’s my responsibility and maybe because I developed a much thicker face to do it thrice again (lol). I also got to meet courage again along the way.

Courage told me that they were best friends with Bravery but what makes it different is that Courage is more of like a mental activity, it’s something that you do and decide but you do and you decide in a time frame that wraps you up in fears that you never imagined you owned. It’s Courage that I found when I want to just curl up in bed and let my visiting teardrops fall because I felt like a failure when I don’t get things done the way I imagined it to be. When I’m losing people that I had befriended, people that I value, I felt that losing them everyday and letting them slip in my own hands because of my own doing, because at that moment I was bubble-wrapped to even give time to care, I felt like I am failing not just as a leader, but as a person. Yet, how did I get up every day and even had time to shout to the world that I am fine despite everything? I guess my friend Courage always reminded me that finding other friends such as strength and bravery works. And I just have to trust myself that I can do it. That failure and that my friends who are slipping away are things that I have to experience to know what it takes to be courageous enough to face the reality that this happens. I always believe it happens for a reason and these are tests of my stamina to be courageous even if you’ve been broken hearted over and over again. Even if it hurts, you never stop being courageous.

I hope courage will find its way to you. I know it has. But if you doubt it will find you, you’d never find it. You need to lower a little bit of self-doubts to find courage within you. I lowered quite a lot of self-doubt-walls before courage even said hi.

I wish you well in your leadership journey. I hope we’ll meet again. Till next leadership stories!

Posted in Dreams, Feelings, Life, Love, Poem, She Said

Dreaming and Wanting

The spaces in between will be filled, soon.

In another world, where galaxies meet.

Perhaps, I’d find myself wanting a kid.

Perhaps a daughter, perhaps a son.

Their eyes will sparkle like the stars. It holds secrets and hopes of the world. I’d let them see how beautiful people are.  No matter what race they belong, nor the color of their skin. That the skin is nothing, but what is important is the soul we have deep inside. That souls are wonderfully engraved upon our bodies teaching us that one way or another we are all the same.

With mouths that will speak of love. It will never be afraid to speak of Thank You’s and I’m Sorry’s and I Love You’s. They’d say it. But they need to be afraid to use the words that hurt and that judge. Never use them over two men who kissed each other at the road, nor two women holding hands at the Harbor.

With hands that glitter of dreams. It will make and produce music. Music that no matter how other people will treat it, I will still cherish it. It will paint the white walls in the house with art. Varied and colorful, I will remind them that they are so beautifully made by a Higher Being from spectrum of colors beyond their reach. Their hands will be filled with life that it will create the life of giving and helping other people. It will never be afraid to lend a hand to draw a house, build some bricks or to simply lend a hand to those elderly crossing the street.

With feet that are so strong like the gushing waves. It will never give up from the very long race of life. It will be programmed to rest just like most people, but it will never give up like the rest. It will be there to support them through tough times when mommy cannot come because they are oceans apart. It will be there to make them comfortable, it will be there to take them to places beyond their imagination. It will grant them independence to explore the world, and I will be there to tell them my journey with their grandfathers and grandmothers, my journey with their aunt and uncles, my journey with my self and the most important story is my journey with their dad. It will build them up and when they stumble, I will let them laugh at their silliness but I will never ever pick them up. They need to learn that they are strong and can do it on their own.

With minds that are so vast like the universe. It will read every book and try everything! It will debate social issues and will try to solve them. Their minds will be a book, so open, so liberated! They’d never be afraid to ask questions and raise right opinions. It will be there to guide them to be street smart just like their mother, and it will be there to command and discipline just like their father. Their minds will be filled with knowledge, but I will let them know that to seek knowledge is to know nothing.

And with hearts that gives like no other. I will tell them the story of how walls were built to protect people from getting hurt, but the lesson is not to build high walls but to lower it down because the person waiting for them is at the other side. I’d tell them how I met their dad and the first time around isn’t like the movies they have watched, because the first time I met their dad it was at the school fair, or some musical event. It doesn’t matter which place, but when I met their dad, the encounter was messy, I was messy. I was made of high walls and I built it higher and higher and higher, no one dared to climb. Their dad never climbed at all! They’d ask me why did I end up with their dad. I’d tell them he was soft, he made me laugh, he doesn’t stop talking and asking about how my day went, he was there like a bestfriend, he treated me right, he was funny, he was everything. At first I didn’t get it but their dad was an honest man. He told me that he’d love me and would never stop making me his. It wasn’t a call for possession, it was a call for their mommy. I was a mess and I almost messed up everything, but I now know that hearts are mysterious and you can never figure it out. Yet, their mommy managed to figure it out a bit. Their mommy, the strong and fearless, their mommy who vowed to never be tamed, did not get tame at the end. Instead, she learned to lower her pride and accept that someone like their daddy loved her the way she is. It was magical. The heart is magical. Their hearts will be magical.

When I will have a son or daughter, I will teach them the things that I am not.

They’d be speaking sense in my life, when I will forget the gripping moments of my youth. I can have fun and live life. I will tell them stories of survival and passion, but I will not tell them that the world will hurt them. It will be up to them to discover it. I’d never take away the thrill and the mystery. But I will be there when it’s over.

And once the world will disappoint them and hurt them, I’d tell them it’s not okay. But it’s okay to be sad and to cry.

Cry because it hurts. Cry because it doesn’t make you weak.  It makes you human. Mommy will always be there.

But right now, I am okay. I am fine seeing kids smile because I made a goofy face, I am fine making them laugh, I am fine playing with them as a sister, as a friend.

Right now this is enough.

And being a mother in the near future, much less believe someone is still there to love me, I still cannot fathom it.



Posted in Dreams, Experiences, Feelings, Intimacy, Life, Love, She Said, Truth, Uncategorized, Walls


Captured: Nhi

Dear Past Self,

For pulling through all these years,

With puffy eyes because determination does not take no for an answer;
With runny nose for trying every opportunities that comes in your way;
With kind ears for every poems and songs that are slowly becoming a comfortable place;
With swollen lips that did not have enough water regime because you love to share your words and question beliefs;
With calloused hands that writes the most beautiful stories of passion and survival;
With bruised knees because running is the only solace that can release endorphins for a challenging day and you need all the energy to be happy;
With aching feet for walking and catching up with the people that mattered and will matter;
With a broken heart because you give pieces indirectly to the people you care;

You tried everything unconditionally, eventually you failed because along the way, some things don’t work out. You figured out that you’re also human and capable of feelings which you cannot standardize everyone else’s.

You’ve learn so much, and will learn so much. You kept friendships and lose some. You wallow for the losses but never give up on trying to build new ones. You will love plenty and lose plenty, yet continue to do it anyway because everything is a process which you still cannot comprehend.

Thank you for pulling through all these years with me. For the patience, for the knowledge, for the gift of family, friends, acquaintances and strangers.