Posted in 2017, Adventure, Comfort, Dedication, Dreams, Feelings, Life, Love, Poem, Truth, Walls

Shoreline

Someday, same place, different company, different feels

I’ve never been born an adventurer. Mom was scared of traversing through rocky plains and uncharted territories.

It’s maybe because that she never dared to step out from her comfort zone when she was young until now.

If I paint my mother.

She would have been the great land.

Unmoving, rigid, rooted

Always in the comfort of going back to what’s safe – earth.

If you met my dad, you’d know how I became an adventurer.

Dad was the captain of MV Life, journeying across great bodies of ocean

It’s maybe because of his career that pump lots of adrenaline in his body.

If I paint my father.

He would have been the great seas.

Moving, wide, punishing.

Always the dare, never the truth.

Always the thrill seeker, never the watcher.

I’m not born an adventurer, I’m not raised as an adventurer.

I’m the balance of both the great land and the great sea,

I’m the space separating the great land and the great seas,

I’m the shoreline ,

The great divide,

I’m the coastline,

The great mark of in-betweens.

I’m the certainty of the meet-up,

Of simply being punished by the great waves and being calmed by the great land.

I’m the uncertainty of the tides, 

Strong

Weak

Sometimes angry

Sometimes soothing

You cannot paint me but most people try.

They try to use up all the sand 

They try to use up all the colors of the rainbow

Trying to paint someone who can’t be painted

Not me.

Not the boundary 

The bounds of the middle

The piece that’s still a question

Does the shoreline know who she wants to become?

Will she be the great land or the great seas?

Will she be both?

No

For I know the shoreline is the shoreline

Never the great land

Never the great seas

But always the beauty of the in-betweens

Always the meeting place

Never the place

Always the bridge

Never the lovers

Always the center

But never the world

Always there

But unknown

Unmoving

Rigid

Safe

Sometimes she want to be punishing, moving and wide

And she did, once

Or was it twice? Thrice?

No, it was until the fourth

And she did realize

That the great land is like her mind

Safe

Rationale

The other side

But her heart, oh her heart,

Was always the adventurer

Moving

In the right and wrong places

Loving men who cannot grasp the kind of love she tried to give

Loving men who always will be her almost

Punishing 

In ways she cannot imagine having to cry

In ways she cannot imagine how to laugh

In ways she cannot imagine she has,

The power to survive rough waves

The power to continue despite the calm deep

Her heart will always be the sail

Never the sailor

The wind loved the sail

But the sailor always holds back

Her heart never holds back

On her choices

On her fears

And maybe one day I’ll realize

I’ll realize that I’ll be sailing right,

Right to where the wind will take me

Not safe

But safer

Uncertain yet certain

But I know I’d be sailing it right to you

I’d be not just the center, but the world

I’d be land and the sea

Of the great beyond

Of blue and green

Of the universe that’s in me

I’d be sailing right,

Right to where I’d not just be a meeting place of star-crossed lovers,

But I’d be the place

The place where someone will be safe

The place where someone will find a home

Where I will be home.

Where I will be.

I will be.

I will be enough.

I will be eternity.

I will be loved.

Till then, I’d continue to be shoreline

Existing

Resisting

At the moment, persisting to find a place where I will stay and finally call it a day.

Where someone will stay and finally call me home.

Finally, I will be the truth and not the dare.

Finally.

Where finally I can say, je t’aime mon amour, bienvenue à la maison. 

Valete!


In dedication to my parents, thank you for being safe yet punishing, rigid yet moving. I owe what I am today because of you. Your daughter will be soaring and she will eventually find home. 

Posted in 2017, Dedication, Experiences, Feelings, Love, pain, Poem, Sadness, She Said, Truth, Walls

My In-Between

To my in-between,

You came in the least moment that I expected.
I was young,

I was made of high walls,

And confused moments,

I was in love with him.

You came and the first time I laid my eyes on you,

I noticed,

I noticed the wrinkles in your eyes when you smile,

I noticed your little freckles when you talk,

I noticed every little changes in you,

And I loved them,

I loved how your smile lights up everything in my life,

Without you noticing it.

I loved how you talk, your opinions matter as what you say,

I loved the changes in you,

It reminded me that you are human,

I wished I could tell you how I feel.

I wished I could tell you how I seem to wonder if we could be,

I wished I could tell you thank you,

Thank you for the friendship,

It was something that I would treasure.

Thank you for the kindness,

It was something that will forever etched in my heart.

Thank you for the moments,

The little war that somehow made my day without you knowing it.

But thank you, for allowing me to love you secretly.

Behind the curtains,

Behind the corals of the deep blue sea,

The waves seems to keep on punishing me at this moment,

The air grows impatient by tangling my hair,

Nature seems to have conspired for me,

They sent me messages,

Whispers of letting myself gather courage,

To tell how I feel,

And I do,

I do,

And I am,

Falling in love with you,

Long before things happened.

Long before you knew.

Long before they knew.

I am falling in love with you,

But now, now I feel that it’s high time

To let these feelings go,

To let my heart breathe once again,

To let myself see reason,

That you and me,

It’s a pair, it’s a conspiracy,

That the universe won’t even approve

Yet in the distanct sky,

I wished the universe is wrong.

Valete!

“Here’s to choices and letting the universe do its thing.”

 

Posted in 2017, Adventure, Dedication, Feelings, Friendship, Life, Love, Poem

Jerusha

I’m missing you already!
One of the pose we love to do!

From veins to bones

A creation of God

Of beauty and poise

A trait that seems to follow when I call your name

You are of a spectacle

More than an idea

More than a facade

You are a reality that’s loved

Your scars speaks of truth from the past

That a lady so young has become so strong

Your stretch marks sparks hope to other women that being beautiful does not speak standards

It does however speaks of acceptance, of you

Your mouth which sparks conversation and principles

Of racism

Of sexism

Of topics that I will miss talking with you

But your heart, your heart is something that I love about you

How it speaks of kindness despite pain

How it speaks of happiness despite everyday’s troubles

How it speaks of love, love that’s so deep that even I could not grasp.

You are a beauty

Inside and out

A friend that I will forever cherish

Know that beyond veins and bones, lies a great beyond

A woman of worth 

A woman of the world

A woman of God

A woman for herself

By herself and with herself

A woman that future girls would look up to, 

A woman that empowers women.

In the core of the earth, if ever you need someone beyond the Pacific

Know that neither the oceans will stop you from calling me because the core of the earth will pull us together like how gravity works

Like how our friendship works

Meshed in the most messed up meeting

Surrounded by uncertainties

But despite the odds

Polished by words of love

Thank you for the friendship

Go soar high! Find the woman that you wanted to become.

Until we cross on the rivers of life, I’ll see you again! But promise me, that by then, you’d still be wearing your best feature; your smile and and your heart. 

Valete!

In dedication to my dearest friend, Ada. I will surely miss you! See you in Hawaii, soon.

Posted in 2017, Comfort, Dedication, Feelings, Love, pain, Poem, Quotes, Strength, Truth

Remnants of Space

Palm to palm

Across the space

Of the milky way

Of the colors that seems to blend

Of everything so still, so perfect

You are perfect

Your smile speaks of a hundred echoes across the core of the earth

Your kindness speaks of a thousand spectrum of sound waves that seems to calm everyone around

You are perfect

And this you should know

And perfect breaks, too

Like how every galaxies go

It breaks into something more perfect than before

So know that perfect breaks

From memories

From moments

From people

From you

But perfect is perfect

Intangible to everyone

Subjective to someone

But you, you are perfect and you deserve someone who’s not running away mid race

You deserve someone who’s not going to stop the flight mid air

You deserve someone who’d stay

You deserve someone who’d stand with you amidst the fear that both of you holds

You deserve the commitment

You deserve the love

But if you find someone who’d leave, know that if doesn’t make you less perfect

Perfect is being broken

Perfect is being okay

Perfect is being able to grasp the world like a two-year old

Curious

Amazed

Proud

Of the discovery

Of the joy

Of the laughter

Of the sorrow

Of the pain

Know that you were perfect even before he came, even after he left

You are galaxy

A collision of meteors and star dust

Of brilliance that shines at night and gives light at midday

You are cosmo

Residing between time and space

Of the living and non-living

A telescope is not enough to explore the ends of you

But it is the start of unconditional set-ups and get to know you’s

You are perfect

You are enough

You will find someone who’d see you as you 

But if he comes back

Or if he does not come at all

Know that you are perfect, first amongst all. 

Valete!

In dedication to my little brother. May you find the love that you deserve. 

Posted in Adventure, Comfort, Courage, Experiences, Feelings, He Said, Intimacy, Life, Love, Poem, Quotes, She Said, Strength, Truth, Walls

Stills and Learning

Persona of notices of moments that were long gone
Persona of everything doesn’t go according to my will
Persona of a delusional future and a dysfunctional present

You’ll eventually learn that promises are notices of moments that you long to have and sometimes they’re notices of the deadlines of what could happen. You’ll eventually learn that words are just words unless you put meaning and life unto it. Until you place it in your heart and hold on to it for the rest of your life. You’ll eventually learn that expectations are part of human life and eventually they’ll rip your hearts into pieces that could morphed into the feeling of betrayal but eventually you’ll learn to laugh at yourself for believing that you’re always the first option, when in fact options are not constant in this world. Eventually you’ll learn your place in his life as mere spectator or a passing friend and you’d cope up with the loss and the pain and everything messy in between. You’ll eventually learn to distance yourself as time keeps on speeding by because velocity is something you cannot obtain easily. You’ll eventually stop writing stories in your head, stories of confessions and break-ups because you eventually learn that weaving stories in your brain is making you delusional of the future and dysfunctional of the present. Eventually you’ll learn that everything does not go according to your will and the world even if they conspire for you will eventually stab you sometimes, but you’ll eventually learn that it’s how they inculcate lessons and miracles. Eventually you’ll learn that what you learned is not enough and you have the world as your library to explore. And even if you have to do it on your own sometimes, eventually you’ll learn that being able to lean on yourself for comfort is not selfish but it’s how you learn to be sane for some time. Eventually you’ll get tired and wished that even if you’re some smart, classy, strong and independent woman there will come a time when you just want to curl on the sofa and wished that he will stroke your hair for comfort, that you will not be alone. Eventually I’m good at making up romantic scenarios but eventually I learned it will keep on letting me hope and hope comes with hurt all the time.

But…

Even if I learned those things, I will still continue on learning about you and I will never stop loving you from a distance.

Valete!

Posted in Dreams, Feelings, Life, Love, Poem, She Said

Dreaming and Wanting

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The spaces in between will be filled, soon.

In another world, where galaxies meet.

Perhaps, I’d find myself wanting a kid.

Perhaps a daughter, perhaps a son.

Their eyes will sparkle like the stars. It holds secrets and hopes of the world. I’d let them see how beautiful people are.  No matter what race they belong, nor the color of their skin. That the skin is nothing, but what is important is the soul we have deep inside. That souls are wonderfully engraved upon our bodies teaching us that one way or another we are all the same.

With mouths that will speak of love. It will never be afraid to speak of Thank You’s and I’m Sorry’s and I Love You’s. They’d say it. But they need to be afraid to use the words that hurt and that judge. Never use them over two men who kissed each other at the road, nor two women holding hands at the Harbor.

With hands that glitter of dreams. It will make and produce music. Music that no matter how other people will treat it, I will still cherish it. It will paint the white walls in the house with art. Varied and colorful, I will remind them that they are so beautifully made by a Higher Being from spectrum of colors beyond their reach. Their hands will be filled with life that it will create the life of giving and helping other people. It will never be afraid to lend a hand to draw a house, build some bricks or to simply lend a hand to those elderly crossing the street.

With feet that are so strong like the gushing waves. It will never give up from the very long race of life. It will be programmed to rest just like most people, but it will never give up like the rest. It will be there to support them through tough times when mommy cannot come because they are oceans apart. It will be there to make them comfortable, it will be there to take them to places beyond their imagination. It will grant them independence to explore the world, and I will be there to tell them my journey with their grandfathers and grandmothers, my journey with their aunt and uncles, my journey with my self and the most important story is my journey with their dad. It will build them up and when they stumble, I will let them laugh at their silliness but I will never ever pick them up. They need to learn that they are strong and can do it on their own.

With minds that are so vast like the universe. It will read every book and try everything! It will debate social issues and will try to solve them. Their minds will be a book, so open, so liberated! They’d never be afraid to ask questions and raise right opinions. It will be there to guide them to be street smart just like their mother, and it will be there to command and discipline just like their father. Their minds will be filled with knowledge, but I will let them know that to seek knowledge is to know nothing.

And with hearts that gives like no other. I will tell them the story of how walls were built to protect people from getting hurt, but the lesson is not to build high walls but to lower it down because the person waiting for them is at the other side. I’d tell them how I met their dad and the first time around isn’t like the movies they have watched, because the first time I met their dad it was at the school fair, or some musical event. It doesn’t matter which place, but when I met their dad, the encounter was messy, I was messy. I was made of high walls and I built it higher and higher and higher, no one dared to climb. Their dad never climbed at all! They’d ask me why did I end up with their dad. I’d tell them he was soft, he made me laugh, he doesn’t stop talking and asking about how my day went, he was there like a bestfriend, he treated me right, he was funny, he was everything. At first I didn’t get it but their dad was an honest man. He told me that he’d love me and would never stop making me his. It wasn’t a call for possession, it was a call for their mommy. I was a mess and I almost messed up everything, but I now know that hearts are mysterious and you can never figure it out. Yet, their mommy managed to figure it out a bit. Their mommy, the strong and fearless, their mommy who vowed to never be tamed, did not get tame at the end. Instead, she learned to lower her pride and accept that someone like their daddy loved her the way she is. It was magical. The heart is magical. Their hearts will be magical.

When I will have a son or daughter, I will teach them the things that I am not.

They’d be speaking sense in my life, when I will forget the gripping moments of my youth. I can have fun and live life. I will tell them stories of survival and passion, but I will not tell them that the world will hurt them. It will be up to them to discover it. I’d never take away the thrill and the mystery. But I will be there when it’s over.

And once the world will disappoint them and hurt them, I’d tell them it’s not okay. But it’s okay to be sad and to cry.

Cry because it hurts. Cry because it doesn’t make you weak.  It makes you human. Mommy will always be there.

But right now, I am okay. I am fine seeing kids smile because I made a goofy face, I am fine making them laugh, I am fine playing with them as a sister, as a friend.

Right now this is enough.

And being a mother in the near future, much less believe someone is still there to love me, I still cannot fathom it.

Valete! 

Posted in death, Feelings, Life, Love, Poem, Truth

A Granddaughter’s Letter


Like tight knit clothing weaved together, you and Tay were the reason why Mother would always go back.

I could not understand why we should not skip summer visits over trainings, over work, over seminars.

Maybe it was because of the gratitude.

Maybe it was because of the emptiness.

Maybe it was Mother missing you over and over again like how I miss Mom whenever I’m away.

But now I understand why summer nights are spent in your home.

The home where you molded five strong women and a loving man.

The home where light is always available and the red string that I heard from some series actually made sense to me.

It made sense.

Because.

You were art.

Etched deep into your skin were stories of rebirth and wars.

You were born a few years after the first world war erupted.

You witnessed the devastating second world war.

A young maiden.

Who should have witnessed something greater.

Greater than bloody men.

Greater than wars.

But maybe it did.

It made you greater for the stories that your shared to us.

Over and over again.

Year after year.

We listened to fear.

We listened to happiness.

We listened to daring adventures.

Of hiding.

Of finding solace.

We listened to every moment.

Year after year.

We didn’t mind visiting the place where the present technologies are not working.

We didn’t mind because at different parts of the places where we stayed.

We brought stories.

Stories of rebirth.

Stories of wars.

Stories of death.

You’d be missed La’

You’d be missed.

Valete!

Posted in Birthdays, Comfort, Dreams, Experiences, Feelings, Intimacy, Life, Love, Poem, She Said, Truth, Uncategorized, Walls

20th War

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Skin of a Warrior

You see scars around her body.
You see tears running from her eyes.
You see smiles from her lips.
You see a woman without fear, without doubts, without insecurities, without feelings.
You see her, but you do not really see her.
You see an illusion.
Your illusion of who she is supposed to be.
Yet she never corrects your illusion, because your illusion is what keeps her safe from prying eyes, is what keeps her asleep from the demanding world.

You’d never get past her scars.
Her scars that speaks of the battle she has fought.
You’d never get past her walls.
Her walls that was built so high because day by day the memories of the battles keep on flashing back.
If you do get pass, that means she loves you, and love (sadly) is something she cannot deal with because she has fears, she has doubts, she has insecurities, she gets hurt easily, and she is not strong enough.

Maybe, just maybe there would come a time she’d deal with it —. But she’s happy. If you ask her, she’ll say it truthfully and without hesitation.

I’m happy that she’s happy.

Hello 20th self, hope you’re happy wherever you are!

Valete!