Posted in Adventure, Comfort, Courage, Experiences, Feelings, He Said, Intimacy, Life, Love, Poem, Quotes, She Said, Strength, Truth, Walls

Stills and Learning

Persona of notices of moments that were long gone
Persona of everything doesn’t go according to my will
Persona of a delusional future and a dysfunctional present

You’ll eventually learn that promises are notices of moments that you long to have and sometimes they’re notices of the deadlines of what could happen. You’ll eventually learn that words are just words unless you put meaning and life unto it. Until you place it in your heart and hold on to it for the rest of your life. You’ll eventually learn that expectations are part of human life and eventually they’ll rip your hearts into pieces that could morphed into the feeling of betrayal but eventually you’ll learn to laugh at yourself for believing that you’re always the first option, when in fact options are not constant in this world. Eventually you’ll learn your place in his life as mere spectator or a passing friend and you’d cope up with the loss and the pain and everything messy in between. You’ll eventually learn to distance yourself as time keeps on speeding by because velocity is something you cannot obtain easily. You’ll eventually stop writing stories in your head, stories of confessions and break-ups because you eventually learn that weaving stories in your brain is making you delusional of the future and dysfunctional of the present. Eventually you’ll learn that everything does not go according to your will and the world even if they conspire for you will eventually stab you sometimes, but you’ll eventually learn that it’s how they inculcate lessons and miracles. Eventually you’ll learn that what you learned is not enough and you have the world as your library to explore. And even if you have to do it on your own sometimes, eventually you’ll learn that being able to lean on yourself for comfort is not selfish but it’s how you learn to be sane for some time. Eventually you’ll get tired and wished that even if you’re some smart, classy, strong and independent woman there will come a time when you just want to curl on the sofa and wished that he will stroke your hair for comfort, that you will not be alone. Eventually I’m good at making up romantic scenarios but eventually I learned it will keep on letting me hope and hope comes with hurt all the time.

But…

Even if I learned those things, I will still continue on learning about you and I will never stop loving you from a distance.

 

Valete!

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Posted in Dreams, Experiences, Feelings, Intimacy, Life, Love, She Said, Truth, Uncategorized, Walls

Letters

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Captured: Nhi

Dear Past Self,

For pulling through all these years,

With puffy eyes because determination does not take no for an answer;
With runny nose for trying every opportunities that comes in your way;
With kind ears for every poems and songs that are slowly becoming a comfortable place;
With swollen lips that did not have enough water regime because you love to share your words and question beliefs;
With calloused hands that writes the most beautiful stories of passion and survival;
With bruised knees because running is the only solace that can release endorphins for a challenging day and you need all the energy to be happy;
With aching feet for walking and catching up with the people that mattered and will matter;
With a broken heart because you give pieces indirectly to the people you care;

You tried everything unconditionally, eventually you failed because along the way, some things don’t work out. You figured out that you’re also human and capable of feelings which you cannot standardize everyone else’s.

You’ve learn so much, and will learn so much. You kept friendships and lose some. You wallow for the losses but never give up on trying to build new ones. You will love plenty and lose plenty, yet continue to do it anyway because everything is a process which you still cannot comprehend.

Thank you for pulling through all these years with me. For the patience, for the knowledge, for the gift of family, friends, acquaintances and strangers.

 

Valete!

Posted in Dreams, Experiences, Intimacy, Life, She Said, Truth, Uncategorized, Walls

Kim’s Journal: Twenty Takes

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📷: Nhi

I have long accepted challenges that comes in my way, but this challenge is particularly different. Since I revamped my blog (not so long ago), what better way to get to know my thoughts, my fears, my likes, and my dislikes through a twenty-take challenge!

1. I am lactose intolerant. I know, it is sad! But there are days where I defy the odds and take on lactose products wishing the side-effects will not happen, but guess what? It doesn’t!
2. Though I am lactose intolerant, I really really really love ice cream! No fuss flavor, vanilla is my favorite! You can also hand me cookies and cream anytime of the day.
3. I am a rice eater. Take me at any food place as long as there is rice on the menu then I’m the happiest girl alive! When I go to places that rice is an option, I diligently look for it! I can finish up to six bowls to half-filled rice cooker, that if I’m very hungry. Most of the days two bowls is enough.
4. Did I mention I love to eat? Plus I love anything spicy! I feel that a meal won’t be complete if ever it’s not spicy 😁
5. I love books. I like to read books. I have read over 591 (and a half) books ranging from fiction to non-fiction. The huge chunk of reading happened way back high school years.
6. I am super talkative! I love to talk most of the time. I tried to keep my mouth shut in a crowd, but it only lasts for five minutes.
7. I love to travel! Though I wish I could have more time and money to do it.
8. My first solo trip in the country was way back 10 years ago (thank you parents!). Took my first solo trip going to Subic Bay for a camp…
9. While my first solo trip abroad was just recent. I went to Singapore to attend a Leaders Travel and Learning Camp. Though it wasn’t my first time there, I got worried if ever I can make it out! I got lost most of the time, but had the most amazing “me” time. I also was mistaken for a Chinese and a local!
10. I’m not a dessert kind of person. I have low tolerance for anything sweet, much more too sweet. I can’t basically finish a slice of chocolate cake!

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We’re halfway there!

11. I like to watch tv series. My favorite includes Castle, How to Get Away With Murder, How I Met Your Mother, Quantico, New Girl, NCIS and Scandal!
12. My curls came from a long process of not taking good care of my straight hair. So basically, it is natural! Do I miss my straight hair? Some days, but I love having my curls around as long as it doesn’t puff!
13. I like dressing up. The world is my runway anyway. I’m a mini-skirt-kind of girl. I have two pairs of pants just for the sake that I can get inside the University. I am not a fan of sneakers though, it does not look good on me.
14. I love my scarves! I love having them and pairing it up with an outfit. Gift ideas? A scarf would do!
15. I believe that I shall not be contained in a classroom. Though I value knowledge, I cannot sit still in a class lecture that will last for even an hour! Imagine my attention span. But even if that’s the case, I still study to maintain my grade. I am mostly an extra-curricular kind of girl. You can find me running from one event to another, or running a council to juggling debate practices over the weekend. That and my events management business that I have with my high school friends plus my networking business (which today is inactive because of demands from the University).
16. I hoard notebooks and journals and to-do lists! I basically go gaga over those things.
17. I haven’t read Harry Potter. And yes, I will read it in the near future. I’m finding the particular time to buy the book set.
18. I do not like animals except a panda, a lion, and a dog! Apart from that, count me out.

19. I do not like any physical affection (ie hugging, kissing etc). Trust me, I judge people touching me. I just don’t like to be touched. I’ve quite adjusted to my girl friends and gay friends hugging me, for my super close guy friends since high school, I’m still adjusting. To the people that I met, I just do it for “social scene” sake but trust me, I want to run every damn time.
20. You guessed it right! I don’t have anyone special (the romantic kind) never had one ever since birth. Yet, I make the best advice (my friends will debate with me on this one).

Valete!

Posted in Birthdays, Comfort, Dreams, Experiences, Feelings, Intimacy, Life, Love, Poem, She Said, Truth, Uncategorized, Walls

20th War

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Skin of a Warrior

You see scars around her body.
You see tears running from her eyes.
You see smiles from her lips.
You see a woman without fear, without doubts, without insecurities, without feelings.
You see her, but you do not really see her.
You see an illusion.
Your illusion of who she is supposed to be.
Yet she never corrects your illusion, because your illusion is what keeps her safe from prying eyes, is what keeps her asleep from the demanding world.

You’d never get past her scars.
Her scars that speaks of the battle she has fought.
You’d never get past her walls.
Her walls that was built so high because day by day the memories of the battles keep on flashing back.
If you do get pass, that means she loves you, and love (sadly) is something she cannot deal with because she has fears, she has doubts, she has insecurities, she gets hurt easily, and she is not strong enough.

Maybe, just maybe there would come a time she’d deal with it —. But she’s happy. If you ask her, she’ll say it truthfully and without hesitation.

I’m happy that she’s happy.

Hello 20th self, hope you’re happy wherever you are!

 

Valete!