Posted in 2017, Adventure, Comfort, Dedication, Dreams, Feelings, Life, Love, Poem, Truth, Walls

Shoreline

Someday, same place, different company, different feels

I’ve never been born an adventurer.

Mom was scared of traversing through rocky plains and uncharted territories.

It’s maybe because that she never dared to step out from her comfort zone when she was young until now.

If I paint my mother.

She would have been the great land.

Unmoving, rigid, rooted

Always in the comfort of going back to what’s safe – earth.

If you met my dad, you’d know how I became an adventurer.

Dad was the captain of MV Life, journeying across great bodies of ocean

It’s maybe because of his career that pump lots of adrenaline in his body.

If I paint my father.

He would have been the great seas.

Moving, wide, punishing.

Always the dare, never the truth.

Always the thrill seeker, never the watcher.

I’m not born an adventurer, I’m not raised as an adventurer.

I’m the balance of both the great land and the great sea,

I’m the space separating the great land and the great seas,

I’m the shoreline ,

The great divide,

I’m the coastline,

The great mark of in-betweens.

I’m the certainty of the meet-up,

Of simply being punished by the great waves and being calmed by the great land.

I’m the uncertainty of the tides,

Strong

Weak

Sometimes angry

Sometimes soothing

You cannot paint me but most people try.

They try to use up all the sand

They try to use up all the colors of the rainbow

Trying to paint someone who can’t be painted

Not me.

Not the boundary

The bounds of the middle

The piece that’s still a question

Does the shoreline know who she wants to become?

Will she be the great land or the great seas?

Will she be both?

No

For I know the shoreline is the shoreline

Never the great land

Never the great seas

But always the beauty of the in-betweens

Always the meeting place

Never the place

Always the bridge

Never the lovers

Always the center

But never the world

Always there

But unknown

Unmoving

Rigid

Safe

Sometimes she want to be punishing, moving and wide

And she did, once

Or was it twice? Thrice?

No, it was until the fourth

And she did realize

That the great land is like her mind

Safe

Rationale

The other side

But her heart, oh her heart,

Was always the adventurer

Moving

In the right and wrong places

Loving men who cannot grasp the kind of love she tried to give

Loving men who always will be her almost

Punishing

In ways she cannot imagine having to cry

In ways she cannot imagine how to laugh

In ways she cannot imagine she has,

The power to survive rough waves

The power to continue despite the calm deep

Her heart will always be the sail

Never the sailor

The wind loved the sail

But the sailor always holds back

Her heart never holds back

On her choices

On her fears

And maybe one day I’ll realize

I’ll realize that I’ll be sailing right,

Right to where the wind will take me

Not safe

But safer

Uncertain yet certain

But I know I’d be sailing it right to you

I’d be not just the center, but the world

I’d be land and the sea

Of the great beyond

Of blue and green

Of the universe that’s in me

I’d be sailing right,

Right to where I’d not just be a meeting place of star-crossed lovers,

But I’d be the place

The place where someone will be safe

The place where someone will find a home

Where I will be home.

Where I will be.

I will be.

I will be enough.

I will be eternity.

I will be loved.

Till then, I’d continue to be shoreline

Existing

Resisting

At the moment, persisting to find a place where I will stay and finally call it a day.

Where someone will stay and finally call me home.

Finally, I will be the truth and not the dare.

Finally.

Where finally I can say, je t’aime mon amour, bienvenue à la maison.

 

Valete!


In dedication to my parents, thank you for being safe yet punishing, rigid yet moving. I owe what I am today because of you. Your daughter will be soaring and she will eventually find home. 

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Posted in 2016, 2017, Adventure, Bravery, Comfort, Courage, Dedication, Experiences, Feelings, Friendship, Leadership, Life, Love

SSC 35th: My Little Farewell

📸: Mark Bayon

Will end with a blog dedication to the people who made my last year in Uni one of the most challenging and fulfilling moments of my life.

Do you believe in love at first sight?

I do.

And I did not just believe in it.

I have fallen for it.

I made it my own pill whenever I’m running out of strength to carry on.

I believed, I had fallen, I found every bit of emotions that I thought I’m not capable of having here at the council.

Dear College of Appointed Officers,

“You are brave.” If you ever found yourselves doubting your essence and your being. Know that you are brave.

Only seldom people have the guts to volunteer in the council despite all that could happen to you alongside with the University life. But you, you are here and giving time to help the council and I could never been happier than to meet everyone! Your time, effort and everything else in between is something that I will always be grateful. Thank you for serving the Josenians with that spark of love from your heart and that braveness that’s strong as the ocean waves.

Dear Legislative House,

“I’ll always be here.” If you ever need some mouthy advice or just a simple listening company. Know that I’ll always be here.

You were all kids in my eyes. Most of us started SSC with no knowledge on how to go about the Parliamentary Procedure nor go about writing Resolutions. But now, look at you! You’ve gone way far than writing resolutions. You have found your inner voice to speak up (if that’s quite necessary). You forged relationships inside and outside the council and I hope you still keep each other even after the council. You’ve been through a lot (with my strictness and nagging on duty scheds, attendance on meetings and cleanliness of the office) and things I can no longer think of. At times, I may have been insensitive and distant, but know that’s how I care and I appreciate everyone (sorry not raised to show feelings, but I’m trying thanks to everyone! I do hugs now 😂) Always know that I’m happy to have witnessed that growth, your growth! I’ve always told you guys that there’s no point in being inside the council and not growing by the time we all leave. And this I say, for that span of months you have learned how to manage and learned how to suck it up sometimes. Your efforts won’t be discounted. Always remember that gratification will always come at the end, there are no instants and if there were instants we’d be missing a lot of emotions. And if you feel that you weren’t recognized for your efforts, no that’s not true, you will always be important because without you, the council would have never been better. Invest, invest and invest!!! Do not stop investing on yourselves and what you love doing. Do not let your fears keep you from investing. Remember I said you were all kids in my eyes? You will always be, it’s bittersweet, but I have to accept that you’re not kids anymore. Go spread your wonderful wings in the sky! I’d always be here, whichever ground, cheering for you 💕

My Best Execom Ever,

“It’s never too late.” It’s never to late because there are no deadlines to relationships, to friendships. We have the world waiting for us so it’s never too late.

We had our fights that we can alway look back and laugh about 5 years from now. But know that you will always hold a special place in my aorta (not my heart haha i’m trying diba). You guys are the best (enough nato ang overnight to prove na best lage mo). Even if behind the scenes, thank you for cushioning my attitude! Even if its screams hell sometimes (okay, most of the times!). Jhanny, thank you for staying with me no matter how indifferent you are but I know you lead me right. Clof, for telling me to let loose and to have fun. I know, I get the memo haha. Seg, who knows diba? Haha best in chikka nata lol and Fech, apparently test of friendship jud ang ssc.

And lastly, the presidency is a responsibility that is a challenge. There is no perfect idea of what it is about. There is no best definition of what it is, but there is something best about it. It is what is always will be in my heart — my best relationship.

“Know that Pres won’t stay anymore, but Ate Kim will. She will stay.”

Thank you everyone! I would have broke down in tears, but no, I have you guys and I could never be more thankful, sorry and proud of all of you! Continue to speak up through right communication channels. Continue to exemplify Caritas et Scientia. Continue on moving mountains of your dreams and extending possibilities of your passions! And lastly, even if we end our term as SSC Officers, apparently the white hat of SSC in ourselves will always be SSC to the Josenian populace. That doesn’t mean we end our term, we also end being of service and being SSC Officers. So go and live on and pay it forward! I’m going to repeat this over and over again. I know I’m not the first person you’ll call or text or what techy people do nowadays, but know that I’ll always be here 24/7 as your (last haha) option if you run out of people to talk to. Excited for the years ahead of you. Will always be rooting for everyone’s success and if failures happen (then fail and fail more! Samtang early pa to correct mistakes and don’t forget to learn, always learn and at times unlearn). I will surely miss everyone (you get the message). Thank you for loving service. When I want to quit or my not-worthy-stances were creeping in, I just look at you and then I am reminded how I love service and how I am super lucky to have met everyone! Five years, or ten years from now, I hope when I see you at the street or some place and we’d catch up with life. I hope to see everyone happy and in love with life!

Congratulations on your future endeavors, continue to soar high!

 

Valete!

 

“We did not just made it out alive. We made it out broken, whole, and everything we never imagined nor expected. Happy Anniversary!”

Posted in 2017, Comfort, Dedication, Feelings, Love, pain, Poem, Quotes, Strength, Truth

Remnants of Space

Palm to palm

Across the space

Of the milky way

Of the colors that seems to blend

Of everything so still, so perfect

You are perfect

Your smile speaks of a hundred echoes across the core of the earth

Your kindness speaks of a thousand spectrum of sound waves that seems to calm everyone around

You are perfect

And this you should know

And perfect breaks, too

Like how every galaxies go

It breaks into something more perfect than before

So know that perfect breaks

From memories

From moments

From people

From you

But perfect is perfect

Intangible to everyone

Subjective to someone

But you, you are perfect and you deserve someone who’s not running away mid race

You deserve someone who’s not going to stop the flight mid air

You deserve someone who’d stay

You deserve someone who’d stand with you amidst the fear that both of you holds

You deserve the commitment

You deserve the love

But if you find someone who’d leave, know that if doesn’t make you less perfect

Perfect is being broken

Perfect is being okay

Perfect is being able to grasp the world like a two-year old

Curious

Amazed

Proud

Of the discovery

Of the joy

Of the laughter

Of the sorrow

Of the pain

Know that you were perfect even before he came, even after he left

You are galaxy

A collision of meteors and star dust

Of brilliance that shines at night and gives light at midday

You are cosmo

Residing between time and space

Of the living and non-living

A telescope is not enough to explore the ends of you

But it is the start of unconditional set-ups and get to know you’s

You are perfect

You are enough

You will find someone who’d see you as you

But if he comes back

Or if he does not come at all

Know that you are perfect, first amongst all.

 

Valete!

 

In dedication to my little brother. May you find the love that you deserve. 

Posted in Comfort, Experiences, Feelings, Sadness, She Said, Truth, Walls

Early Stages

She found herself reaching out for the nearest sharp object in the room. Its color speaks of a cheetah’s spots in wilderness, wild and calm, ironic but beautiful. Its blade when raised to the sky brings light that could make sensitive eyes blink twice.

She found herself using the sharp object that she found, she used it for its purpose. At first it was to make some writing material straight, at times it was to make some writing material in different shapes as she figured out which one’s better.

She found herself enjoying the little joy it has brought to the world until she tried harming herself because she thought that if her inside bleeds so much, then how come make it fair for her outside? If it bleeds so much, then its high time to let it all out.

She found gripping the beautiful sharp object tight. Tight enough that she noticed the pain. Ah, the pain. The pain that could not even compare with the pain that she’s feeling inside. It was not bliss, it was not anywhere near happiness. But as the pain turned into liquid, she now knew it never mattered to anyone, anyway. That she doesn’t matter anyway.

She had long accepted that pain is also like a double-edged sword. Even if you swear it wouldn’t get to you, it eventually will. It will come and will rob you of your senses and you are eventually left with pools of blood — the pools that left you a satisfaction far better than the first one.

 

Valete!

Posted in Adventure, Comfort, Courage, Experiences, Feelings, He Said, Intimacy, Life, Love, Poem, Quotes, She Said, Strength, Truth, Walls

Stills and Learning

Persona of notices of moments that were long gone
Persona of everything doesn’t go according to my will
Persona of a delusional future and a dysfunctional present

You’ll eventually learn that promises are notices of moments that you long to have and sometimes they’re notices of the deadlines of what could happen. You’ll eventually learn that words are just words unless you put meaning and life unto it. Until you place it in your heart and hold on to it for the rest of your life. You’ll eventually learn that expectations are part of human life and eventually they’ll rip your hearts into pieces that could morphed into the feeling of betrayal but eventually you’ll learn to laugh at yourself for believing that you’re always the first option, when in fact options are not constant in this world. Eventually you’ll learn your place in his life as mere spectator or a passing friend and you’d cope up with the loss and the pain and everything messy in between. You’ll eventually learn to distance yourself as time keeps on speeding by because velocity is something you cannot obtain easily. You’ll eventually stop writing stories in your head, stories of confessions and break-ups because you eventually learn that weaving stories in your brain is making you delusional of the future and dysfunctional of the present. Eventually you’ll learn that everything does not go according to your will and the world even if they conspire for you will eventually stab you sometimes, but you’ll eventually learn that it’s how they inculcate lessons and miracles. Eventually you’ll learn that what you learned is not enough and you have the world as your library to explore. And even if you have to do it on your own sometimes, eventually you’ll learn that being able to lean on yourself for comfort is not selfish but it’s how you learn to be sane for some time. Eventually you’ll get tired and wished that even if you’re some smart, classy, strong and independent woman there will come a time when you just want to curl on the sofa and wished that he will stroke your hair for comfort, that you will not be alone. Eventually I’m good at making up romantic scenarios but eventually I learned it will keep on letting me hope and hope comes with hurt all the time.

But…

Even if I learned those things, I will still continue on learning about you and I will never stop loving you from a distance.

 

Valete!

Posted in Birthdays, Comfort, Dreams, Experiences, Feelings, Intimacy, Life, Love, Poem, She Said, Truth, Uncategorized, Walls

20th War

image
Skin of a Warrior

You see scars around her body.
You see tears running from her eyes.
You see smiles from her lips.
You see a woman without fear, without doubts, without insecurities, without feelings.
You see her, but you do not really see her.
You see an illusion.
Your illusion of who she is supposed to be.
Yet she never corrects your illusion, because your illusion is what keeps her safe from prying eyes, is what keeps her asleep from the demanding world.

You’d never get past her scars.
Her scars that speaks of the battle she has fought.
You’d never get past her walls.
Her walls that was built so high because day by day the memories of the battles keep on flashing back.
If you do get pass, that means she loves you, and love (sadly) is something she cannot deal with because she has fears, she has doubts, she has insecurities, she gets hurt easily, and she is not strong enough.

Maybe, just maybe there would come a time she’d deal with it —. But she’s happy. If you ask her, she’ll say it truthfully and without hesitation.

I’m happy that she’s happy.

Hello 20th self, hope you’re happy wherever you are!

 

Valete!