when you leave, it’s never a permanent leave as much as you hate to admit it. when you leave, it’s you bringing a piece of home on your new journey.
that’s why when you leave, you are reminded by that piece of what you have become and there’s this pull, you know? that at some point you have to pay that place a visit because a piece of that home will always be in you.
i think that’s the one main beautiful thing, aside from a dozen beautiful things, of why home is not entirely the place you grew up, but a place that welcomed you, an organization that opened itself to you, and a person that extended his/her arms to you.
and when you’re back from a very long journey, you’d notice that you want to call home and tell him/her, I’m going to visit.
indeed, 2017 has been full of leaving. leaving the comfort of the university, leaving the organizations that you’ve grown to love, leaving the company of dear friends.
but, 2017 has also been compensated well. arriving at the doorstep of new adventures. new comforts, new places and new friends.
at the end, it’s never really a competition of how many goodbyes you have mustered up courage to say nor how many hellos you have managed to utter but how these moments made you realize that even if you said goodbyes to your old homes and hellos to new ones. even if one of them made you broken or half-okay. both of them will be home either way.
so 2018, i don’t know if i’d ever be ready. but bring it on y’all!
In dedication to the old homes that I missed! I miss the talks, the laughters and the people in it. Also, to the new homes, thank you for taking me in, for taking a chance on someone who doesn’t have a clue how to maneuver the world outside the comforts of my bed.
“I’ve made impulsive and cautious decisions over the course of my life. With impulse, I’ve lost and made friends, money, opportunities and even myself. With caution, there’s still not much of a difference since I’ve also lost relationships, money, opportunities and even myself. But on the bright side, I’ve gained a will to carry on, a time to rethink my steps and gain wisdom (I hope so!).”
After graduation I was offered opportunities and I, being honest here, rejected and did not take them. It wasn’t entitlement, it was finding a sense of happiness and purpose, I guess. The reason? Well, I felt empty and quite nowhere. A few months before graduation, I felt that the topmost priority for me was a job! People kept asking where I will work or where I want to work. I answered them just to simply keep them from probing more questions that I didn’t want to answer, because the truthful answer that they wouldn’t have wanted to hear was, “I don’t know.”
I honestly don’t know. I’ve checked out opportunities and felt that it could work and suddenly when it came, I was the first one out of the door. I went into interviews but withdrew my application after the interviews because I felt that it wasn’t right. I entered engagements, but chickened out a few days before it started because my gut felt so burdened. I was not in-between, nor was I myself. It was the first time that I encountered the other side of myself. It didn’t scare me, but it amused me for a moment. I came to realize that’s just me being human.
Over the years, I’ve had decisions that was inorganic due to pressure and to not wanting to have bad blood over the people in my life over the choices that I made. I’ve had engagements that I could not back out. I told myself, this time, it’s going to be different. Fast forward to months after dilly-dallying everything, I (think I) finally settled at the moment.
Moving from a big city to a bigger city and letting go of the comforts of what my home used to offer me was exciting and kind of sad (I learned some basic life skills like how to do laundry!!!). That was what my adventurous self felt. Yet, a few days of boarding into a new adventure, my cautious self wanted out. It wanted to crawl back to the rock that I have been living in over the course of two months. But a bigger part of me wanted in. Talk about irony! It wanted to try — to try to do something I’ve never done for myself (i.e. make bigger decisions in life). It wanted to fully make an organic choice. Without pressure, without negative factors. And it was liberating.
The main thing that I’ve learned from this big move is that things will come at the right time. Though people will have it differently, case in point: the demarcation line of the different levels of privilege. My feeble heart still believes that we can break that line even if chances are so slim. Those set-backs are part of something bigger. Though it won’t come easily and the process of going there may seem to suck everything out of that spirit within us, don’t give up (just curse or release that via yoga or some stress balls).
Getting to where you want to go is in itself what we do in life. Believe me, I never planned for this. I have a book which I’d like to call a goal book, where I’ve written my planned dreams (including but not limited to getting a job at X company), and a lot of other things. But this one came in my most unplanned moment and in my most impulsive moment.
Remember though that this is not a race. I know we’ve been exposed to the internet, of people and the lives that they live. A little part of me envies it sometimes, but this is one thing that I believe: that deep inside everyone has different lives, different shoes to fill, different problems to face. No matter how happy it may seem, we all have some fucked up moments too. If I wished my life was different, I would not have met beautiful people along the way; the people who helped me paint life beautifully.
I’d stop here. But whoever you are, whatever you are doing and wherever you may be, I wish you’d never lose hope (it’s free!) and courage to keep moving forward (by that I mean, study smartly, discipline yourself if you want to lose weight, and things that you know better vs me). You’d eventually find your place in the bigger scheme of things. And if you haven’t, and you’re stuck at doing what you least like, you may need that experience and wisdom (and money) to move yourself through what you really desire. I wish I could say believe me, that would be so hypocritical of me then, but we need to start somewhere right? And if the chapters that we’re having now in our books will lead us closer to whatever we want in the next 10 chapters or so, then we might as well try.
P.S. This is to our past self who belittled ourselves. The present is laughing right now because the universe truly conspires for things to happen. Some beautiful things do come in the most unplanned and unexpected moments. And some arrive because we planned them beautifully and passionately. Trust in that timing and if it fails, then that’s a bonus round to keep on trying.
That signifies an additional year or two or even ten,
When we are established,
Ready to settle,
Ready to say this is the time,
Does it mean yes but perhaps in another lifetime?
When we can’t risk bonds and ropes woven in our lives
When we can’t sever ties of friendships, of relationships beyond ours
Does it mean yes but perhaps not in this world?
Where it’s just the two us
No prying eyes
Does it mean yes?
With hope in my heart
That someday we could be
We could find ourselves in the sand
Lying till our backs hurt
Lying till we are tanned
Spilling our dreams, our hopes and our fears
Spilling everything that we’re not
Spilling everything that we wish we are
No holding back
Just pure surrender?
I’ve come to learn from the books that I’ve read and the articles that I’ve found
That made my reasoning more okay
Stubborn as my heart
That maybe no means almost
We could almost danced.
We could almost held hands.
We could almost kissed.
We could almost had it.
We could almost had our moment.
We could almost be.
But my stubbornness has its limits
And when the clues of the universe made sense
It make a lot of sense
But I’ve been made and shaped by the universe long ago
In much worst conditions
I guess it didn’t hurt that much now though
I guess it just
I just made up reason of your no
Your no does not mean yes
Your no does not mean almost
Your no does not mean possibilities
Your no does not mean ever after
Your no means no
And I asked and begged for the universe to turn it around
For it to sound yes
But the universe whispered,
“Oh darling, when the time comes, when he comes, when the one is really for you, you won’t be begging for me, he will stay, his yes will be yes.”
But the stubborn master,
Behind the bleeding walls of the body
Who pumps and deliver
Could not wonder but ask
“What if he’s the one and he says no?”
The universe laughed
“His no will be different amongst others.”
But the stubborn master asked again
“How do you know?”
“You don’t. You just feel. And it feels right.”
An abundance of your no that’s what it means to get one meaningful yes
And I’d stop asking the universe for signs
I’d stop praying for things to turn around
I’d stop making idealistic stories of us
An meaningful yes’ will come
And that time it won’t be you
It will be my yes
We’ll meet and we’d talk about how funny it was that
We’d both pray for things to be fine
We’d both thank the universe that we’re both ours
That I am his
That he’s mine
Till then, have fun my yes
Continue to learn, laugh and love
Till we meet
Until we meet
I’d continue to bend my knees and wish you well on your journey
That you’d come
Ready to learn, laugh and love with me.
Where finally, yes means yes, no means no, and maybe, just maybe means in-between-of
I could, I would.
In dedication to everyone’s no’s and almost’s. May you find your yes, not your no’s, not your almost’s. Continue to love and get stung until it feels right. Don’t settle for someone who’d play you around and does not take you seriously, you are worth more than games and dares. I hope you understand that this ain’t some race, you are worth more than that and someone will take you seriously. So don’t fret, just continue to breathe and don’t forget to live.
I’m currently in the dilemma of what I want to do with my life after Uni —that’s me at the moment.
A couple of months back, I already knew what I wanted. After graduation, I want to work and pick up the pieces of my life from there. I’ve sent countless of resumes and got feedbacks along the way. It’s just a matter of choice and the formality to graduate and eventually say yes to the opportunity. Trust me, that was easy back then.
Come post graduation and I found myself delaying some opportunities and saying no to other opportunities. It’s not because it does not appeal or it does not sound great, because the impact of the career to the people around me is huge, but deep inside I still could not grasp if I’m ready for it or if I’m just being lazy about what’s to come.
I’m currently in the zone that’s neither stagnant nor moving. I’m in the limbo of this adulting-world that people used to standardize as harsh, cruel and the chances of survival depends on your stamina to do things magically!
It’s like one sunny day, I woke up not wanting to do anything but wanting to do something. Things that I can’t quite figure out. Should I read a book? Should I watch a movie? Should I send another resume? Should I laze around the house? It’s like every decision is crucial because people around me keeps on noticing my world and it sometimes irks the very core of my next step, which by the way, was planned, but last minute got abandoned and now life is not planned. It’s that moment that suddenly the planner that used to be full with activities, eventually got empty but it’s not sad, it’s just empty. Void. Blank. Waiting for some miracle from the inside to flourish the passion once more. Silently praying for the adrenaline rush of planning and acting.
But for now, being lost is fine. Seeking what I really want takes time. Seeking for what you really want takes reflecting what’s inside and even if society pressures you to decide, it shouldn’t be the standard of rash choices that you used to make when you’re a student. You should not fit yourself in the jar that people tries to place you on. You can’t fit yourself and weave to their standards of having a high paying job because you were a straight A student. You can’t weave to their standards of landing a job at a top A company because you were once “cool” during Uni days. You can’t pressure yourself to get there asap because your friends landed the stage and you don’t want to be left behind. This ain’t some race of who’s better and the ones that got left behind are branded as incompetent.
I’m currently in the “between” of what I want to do and what I want to pursue. Along the lines, I also want to enjoy the rest of the days that I deprived myself of having during my student years. Yet, one thing is true, that we all need to start somewhere. That in this reality of the world, you start again. Building your name again, growing networks again, making new friendships again, until finally, you’d find yourself slowly moving a step towards what you want.
I guess what the article said is true that, “Adulting’ is scary. But it’s not a death sentence—there’s life after those 4+ years at college.”
I’m trying to find mine at the moment. Even with the prying eyes of the hawks of society. I hope you find yours, too.
In dedication to the graduates, who are confused, who are lost, who are bruised of constant rejections, constant fears, of not wanting to make do-overs. Rest if you must, but don’t rest too long. Take that step, take that leap. Behind every wrong bus we take, leads us closer to the right bus. We all start somewhere. We should start somewhere.